Thursday night when I got home after working, and then visiting my friend and her 1 day old baby at the hospital, I found an expected package on my doorstep. There, in a 6 1\2" x 8" box sat the ashes of my beloved Rowdy. I didn't expect it so soon.
I had been contemplating how I would react when this day came. Unexpectedly, I felt relieved. I felt like he was home, more figuratively than literally I think. I picked up the box and was surprised that it was so light. The shipping label said 3 lbs. Really? All that is left of my 40 lb dog is three lbs.? I have lifted the ashes of my step dad and I know that 3 lbs is probably accurate given the relativity, but still I was surprised.
I carried the box in a one-armed embrace and took it inside. I seemed a little dazed as I walked around the house embracing this box, unwilling it seemed, to open it just yet. Finally, with trepidation, I carefully sliced the seams and removed the cedar box within. Atop the cellophane wrapped package was an "in remembrance...." card from the crematory. I sat in the recliner, box beside me, and after a short while, I removed the cellophane.
As I grew sleepy and prepared for bed, I carried the cool cedar box with me. Back in the day, Rowdy would follow me everywhere, from room to room, bathroom included, anytime I moved. Before I finally got into to bed, I placed him on the shelf above the spot next to my bed where he lay asleep only four nights prior. It was oddly comforting to know that he was home. Something tangible to hold on to even though his spirit was now not with his bodily remains, but somewhere in the universe, never gone but merely changed into another form of energy, one I could still perhaps communicate with, yet in a different realm. I as I lay awaiting sleep, I felt that Rowdy was at last, at peace.

Rowdy 1993- 2008

Yesterday I said my final farewell to Rowdy. He had a long adventurous life, and we traveled a lot of miles together. There a lot of stories to be told revolving around my closest companion and, if those of you who may read this blog will bear with me, I will be doing some sappy dog blogging for the next several posts.
It seems to ease the pain, writing about Rowdy. He was a larger than life dog , very intelligent with a strong personality. It will be very hard to fill the vacuum created by the loss of such a presence. Bubba and I will soldier on without him but not without his memory.

If you ask for a sign, you might just get one.

About three weeks ago I had a dream that all four siblings had gathered at my sister's house in Wyoming. None of us knew that the others were coming until we all showed up. It was very Stephen King-esque. I didn't think too much of the dream because in it, we were all present, including Mona's husband Clark. If one of us had been absent, my first intuition would have been a death. I have had premonitions in the form of a dream on several occasions in the past.
A few days later, as the presence of the dream was fading, I had another dream that I was petting an owl. For most of you this may bear no significance. For me, owls are always bad news. They represent death. When an owl crosses your path you should pray for your loved ones to help protect them. Upon awakening from this dream, I did just that, I thought of all of my relatives and loved ones and asked that they all be safe. When I spoke to my sister a few days later, she assured me that her husband was fine. As far as anyone knew, my Grandmother was fine. I received a card from my step mom, she and my step brother were both fine. As far as I could tell, everyone was fine. I dismissed the dream as just that, a dream.
I did not make a connection until just this afternoon. I have been tortured with the impending demise of my 14 year companion, Rowdy. I don't want him to suffer, but I also hope that he will die on his own terms and I will not have to order his execution. Yesterday (Tuesday) I was done with work early and we were all in the office, Rowdy, the dog, Bubba, the cat, and myself. When Rowdy began showing stress, He was panting and crying and moaning. His breathing seemed labored and it was clear that he was very uncomfortable. This is the second spell of this nature that I have witnessed. In a flood of tears, I called the nice lady that comes to your house to do euthanasia in the comfort of your own home. I left a message with a voice mail which promised to return my call between 5 and 8 pm.
For the next hour I basically cried till my eyes swelled. Somewhere around 6 P.M. she returned my call and, as expected, I could barely talk as my throat clenched shut and my lips contorted into an ugly grimace of sorrow and heartache. Somehow, I managed to relay my story and ultimately made the appointment-Friday, May 9th, 3 P.M. I reasoned that this would be a good time because my step mom would be here for Mothers Day and I would have some familial support and comfort. I was also not on call for the entire weekend. Before I hung up, she told me that if I changed my mine and cancelled, it was okay. Just try to give her as much notice as I could. I bet people cancel and reschedule a lot.
By bedtime that evening Rowdy seemed much improved, improved at this stage meaning back to the current state of deterioration. I tried to envision the final act in my head as if it were about to happen, and I could not see it nor feel it. Again, Rowdy appeared much too viable to me to be ready for his final rest. Now, I rationalized that Friday would be a not-so-good day after all. My friend Jane, had arranged to take me out to a belated birthday lunch at noon that day. How could I enjoy a meal and then go home and watch my dog die? It seems that I was on call Friday night but not Sat. or Sun. Ultimately, I wouldn't want anyone else here during the final act, so what would it matter if my step mom were here?
By Wednesday afternoon, I made the decision to cancel the appointment. I would have another "window of opportunity" in two weeks with no weekend call and a couple of days off to regain my composure after the dreadful event. In the meantime I am waiting and watching Rowdy's condition but I know the end is very near. I asked for a sign, and the owl came to me. My underlying hope is that I will come home from work one day and when I rush in to check on Rowdy, he will not greet me and he will simply remain in eternal sleep.

Soup to nuts

My interest in searching for a house to buy has fizzled. As much as I want my own home, I'm just not feeling it right now. Hopefully it is the universe telling me that the time is still not right. It's either that or I am just plain cheap lazy.
Speaking of cheap, I was lamenting to brother Stan the other night about how I keep turning the heat down because my propane tank is at 28% and I don't want to fill it again before summer. The propane company will not deliver less than 100 gallons. As the price of gas continues to climb, so does the price of heating fuels, including propane. Last time I had to purchase some it was 3.63 a gallon, that was in February, back when I could still get diesel for my truck at $3.89 a gallon. Now that diesel is $4.09 a gallon, propane is probably real close to $4.00. If I buy it now and move before winter, I will be leaving somewhere around $300.00 in the propane tank. I want summer, and I want it NOW!
Lately I have become hooked on Pho. No, not phonics, Pho, the Vietnamese soup. I have found an easy way to make it at home with the help of some ramon noodles. In a large bowl I just combine my vegetables, spinach, bok choy, carrots, ginger, cilantro and some fresh basil leaves, add water, seasoned salt, cayenne pepper, a couple of dashes of reduced sodium soy sauce and the noodles. I nuke it if it is a single serving. If I want to make multiple servings I'll cook a pot on the stove. After three minutes in the microwave I throw in some shrimp and nuke again for another minute or so. It's not exactly like the restaurant version but it cures my craving for a while. I've become quite adept at eating my soup with chop sticks which seems to draw knowing smiles from Asian patrons and employees when ever I venture out for Pho. The true method for eating the broth is to tip the bowl up and slurp away but at the restaurant spoons are graciously provided.
On the topic of food, I have given up poultry, beef and pork. I don't really miss it. Much harder for me to give up is fish and seafood. I do feel guilty eating crab and lobster, they have such personalities! I don't eat a lot of fish, but shrimp is my main sustenance. My friend the surgeon told me that I might as well chew on the end of glass bulb thermometers. I'm hoping that farm raised shrimp (which also helps me rationalize eating them) are much more mercury free. While I'm not beyond eating an occasional Outback ribeye, yum, poultry and pork have always kinda' grossed me out. We'll see what happens at Thanksgiving......

Karma?

The realtor called me this afternoon. He told me that the realtor/owner of the house I was so taken by sent him an email saying that the house could be mine for the rock bottom price of $388, sumptin sumptin. Wow! What a deal! NOT! Besides, the property still doesn't work for me. He also told me that the guy is current right now on payments but if he doesn't sell it he will be in foreclosure. Really? A realtor trapped himself in a house he can't afford? Either that is a sales ploy, or the real estate market really, really sucks right now for the, once upon a time, fat cats that encouraged everyone else to bite on sub prime loans to fatten their own commissions.

Went house hunting with the realtor last Thursday. Looked at about 10 houses. Only two were exceptional. One, located further away from town on 3.24 acres, had a very nice home with a huge master bed room, a galley kitchen complete with a suspended rack (?) for hanging your pots and pans. Gas range, oversized garage door perfect for fitting my truck in, and although there were no outbuildings for the horses, at least I wouldn't have to fight with someone else's version of how the property should be set up. On the down side, the first thing I noticed about the house was how dark it was inside. Granted they had the blinds drawn and the walls were painted that light chocolate color, but there were not a lot of windows available to let light in. The master bed room didn't even have a south facing window that I remember. I immediately though of the tube lights that Stan had installed in his Colorado home. Then again, I couldn't see having to go through the expense and inconvenience of installing said lights in a house that was listed for $375,000. The biggest draw would be the acerage, the fact that it is on a cul de sac and bordered on two sides by 100 and 80 acre privately owned land.

The second house was in Golden Valley, the location I am most interested in. The house was absolutely gorgeous! I'm not even sure I can describe it well, and I am kicking myself for not thinking to bring along my digital camera. The inside is open and victorian-like. Large slate slab flooring in the Family room which is just a big open room. There are french doors off the side that lead to the deck. Sliding doors on the perpendicular wall that lead to the back yard. ceiling high bookshelves on the back wall. A few steps and the room flows into the kitchen. There is a hutch built into one wall. The kitchen itself is also open. the counter is a long L shape, there is a large old fashioned multi-paned window over the kitchen sink. A dining table sits neatly in the floor space in the kitchen with lots of room left over. The master was huge. The rest of the house was very nice but I couldn't get over the kitchen/living area. When the realtor said it was time to go, I literally didn't want to leave this house. I absolutely loved it. The downside.... the owner had turned about 1/2 of the back property into a park like area complete with pond and fountain. Perfect I imagine for most, but besides being a water sucking, mosquito breeding resort, that left very little room for the horse set up out back. While there is an old barn of sorts (it was locked up as the owners were using it for storage), but no where to put up a small riding arena or round corrals for breaking. The property is also inhabited by a realtor. My realtor say's that is a good thing because they already know the game when it comes to negotiations and tend not to get emotionally wrapped up in their houses. Unfortunately, perhaps because he is a realtor, he has priced this house below comp price for sq ft for the area so that probably leaves very little wiggle room on a piece of property that is listed for $399,900! Not in my league at all but man (!) that house was so beautiful and welcoming, it was all I could think about, and still is.

Timing is Everything

Well, as usual the universe is guiding me. Perhaps it is merely a hormonal influence that prompts me into action after months of procrastination. Maybe it is the change in the weather to more spring like conditions. I doubt it. When I begin to do things that are right for me at the right moment, I function on a sort of auto pilot. I am not trance like, I just go through the necessary steps without extraneous motion or better said, emotion. I don't stress over stress, I don't feel overwhelmed, I don't even think about procrastinating, and at the other spectrum, I don't feel giddy or excited or anything really. I just DO, and it is effortless, like auto pilot.

Such is the case so far in my quest for a home of my own after 30 years without. On an impulse I drove by a house that I had seen listed in a neighborhood that I would like. It doesn't really look like "the one" but that triggered a call to my old realtor. He is no longer doing real estate, I think he was too honest and nice, but his big brother is still in the business. Unintentionally, he became my realtor. Is he good? Will I like him as well as I liked his brother? Who knows, but I bet he is the right one for me because the way I see it, I didn't choose him, he was choosen for me.

Back in November, I called a mortgage broker I had worked with two (or was it three?), years ago when I first tried to search for a house. She sent me the loan application via email. The attachment sat in my inbox until just yesterday. Today it is complete and we will meet this Friday afternoon. I felt none of the sense of dread at what I had been percieving as a daunting task as I filled out the application and copied all of the necessary documentation. Again, it was effortless.

So now all of the events have been set in motion for the house hunt. I didn't think that I wanted to start yet. Consciously I was looking at perhaps April ,but apparently the time is right now.