I'm not sure where the dog went..... but I'd better start hunting.

Early this morning I awoke to Bubba pawing at something in the closet. He had a great interest in my empty assorted soft sided luggage. After calling him several times and being ignored, I promptly went back to sleep.
Upon awakening, Bubba was there in his usual spot spooning against my chest. Having not forgotten his nocturnal activities, I carefully surveyed the floor as I swung out of bed. There it was, a very little mouse. Not the standard grayish brown variety but a cute almost calico with neat little ears and a short tail. At least he didn't put it in the bed.
I felt bad that he had killed it. Hope he didn't do so for
my sake!

Thursday night when I got home after working, and then visiting my friend and her 1 day old baby at the hospital, I found an expected package on my doorstep. There, in a 6 1\2" x 8" box sat the ashes of my beloved Rowdy. I didn't expect it so soon.
I had been contemplating how I would react when this day came. Unexpectedly, I felt relieved. I felt like he was home, more figuratively than literally I think. I picked up the box and was surprised that it was so light. The shipping label said 3 lbs. Really? All that is left of my 40 lb dog is three lbs.? I have lifted the ashes of my step dad and I know that 3 lbs is probably accurate given the relativity, but still I was surprised.
I carried the box in a one-armed embrace and took it inside. I seemed a little dazed as I walked around the house embracing this box, unwilling it seemed, to open it just yet. Finally, with trepidation, I carefully sliced the seams and removed the cedar box within. Atop the cellophane wrapped package was an "in remembrance...." card from the crematory. I sat in the recliner, box beside me, and after a short while, I removed the cellophane.
As I grew sleepy and prepared for bed, I carried the cool cedar box with me. Back in the day, Rowdy would follow me everywhere, from room to room, bathroom included, anytime I moved. Before I finally got into to bed, I placed him on the shelf above the spot next to my bed where he lay asleep only four nights prior. It was oddly comforting to know that he was home. Something tangible to hold on to even though his spirit was now not with his bodily remains, but somewhere in the universe, never gone but merely changed into another form of energy, one I could still perhaps communicate with, yet in a different realm. I as I lay awaiting sleep, I felt that Rowdy was at last, at peace.

Rowdy 1993- 2008

Yesterday I said my final farewell to Rowdy. He had a long adventurous life, and we traveled a lot of miles together. There a lot of stories to be told revolving around my closest companion and, if those of you who may read this blog will bear with me, I will be doing some sappy dog blogging for the next several posts.
It seems to ease the pain, writing about Rowdy. He was a larger than life dog , very intelligent with a strong personality. It will be very hard to fill the vacuum created by the loss of such a presence. Bubba and I will soldier on without him but not without his memory.

If you ask for a sign, you might just get one.

About three weeks ago I had a dream that all four siblings had gathered at my sister's house in Wyoming. None of us knew that the others were coming until we all showed up. It was very Stephen King-esque. I didn't think too much of the dream because in it, we were all present, including Mona's husband Clark. If one of us had been absent, my first intuition would have been a death. I have had premonitions in the form of a dream on several occasions in the past.
A few days later, as the presence of the dream was fading, I had another dream that I was petting an owl. For most of you this may bear no significance. For me, owls are always bad news. They represent death. When an owl crosses your path you should pray for your loved ones to help protect them. Upon awakening from this dream, I did just that, I thought of all of my relatives and loved ones and asked that they all be safe. When I spoke to my sister a few days later, she assured me that her husband was fine. As far as anyone knew, my Grandmother was fine. I received a card from my step mom, she and my step brother were both fine. As far as I could tell, everyone was fine. I dismissed the dream as just that, a dream.
I did not make a connection until just this afternoon. I have been tortured with the impending demise of my 14 year companion, Rowdy. I don't want him to suffer, but I also hope that he will die on his own terms and I will not have to order his execution. Yesterday (Tuesday) I was done with work early and we were all in the office, Rowdy, the dog, Bubba, the cat, and myself. When Rowdy began showing stress, He was panting and crying and moaning. His breathing seemed labored and it was clear that he was very uncomfortable. This is the second spell of this nature that I have witnessed. In a flood of tears, I called the nice lady that comes to your house to do euthanasia in the comfort of your own home. I left a message with a voice mail which promised to return my call between 5 and 8 pm.
For the next hour I basically cried till my eyes swelled. Somewhere around 6 P.M. she returned my call and, as expected, I could barely talk as my throat clenched shut and my lips contorted into an ugly grimace of sorrow and heartache. Somehow, I managed to relay my story and ultimately made the appointment-Friday, May 9th, 3 P.M. I reasoned that this would be a good time because my step mom would be here for Mothers Day and I would have some familial support and comfort. I was also not on call for the entire weekend. Before I hung up, she told me that if I changed my mine and cancelled, it was okay. Just try to give her as much notice as I could. I bet people cancel and reschedule a lot.
By bedtime that evening Rowdy seemed much improved, improved at this stage meaning back to the current state of deterioration. I tried to envision the final act in my head as if it were about to happen, and I could not see it nor feel it. Again, Rowdy appeared much too viable to me to be ready for his final rest. Now, I rationalized that Friday would be a not-so-good day after all. My friend Jane, had arranged to take me out to a belated birthday lunch at noon that day. How could I enjoy a meal and then go home and watch my dog die? It seems that I was on call Friday night but not Sat. or Sun. Ultimately, I wouldn't want anyone else here during the final act, so what would it matter if my step mom were here?
By Wednesday afternoon, I made the decision to cancel the appointment. I would have another "window of opportunity" in two weeks with no weekend call and a couple of days off to regain my composure after the dreadful event. In the meantime I am waiting and watching Rowdy's condition but I know the end is very near. I asked for a sign, and the owl came to me. My underlying hope is that I will come home from work one day and when I rush in to check on Rowdy, he will not greet me and he will simply remain in eternal sleep.